'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
