I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
