What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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