just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
