im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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