gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
