I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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