The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
