if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
