dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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