Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
