Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
