We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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