"it" just moved
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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