apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
