I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
