FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
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