she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
