he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
