i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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