She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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