I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
