Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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