ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
