On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
