I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
