We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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