I'm pants shitting drunk right now
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
