I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
How naked do you want me to be?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
