im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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