I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
