I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
