I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
