you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Randomize
