Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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