im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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