did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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