dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
