i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
