It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
