he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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