Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
