Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
