don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
