she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
