There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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