don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
