Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
