She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
