Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
