Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
