you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
