I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
